Senior Lecturer in English,
Namal Institute Mianwali.
Irfan.nadeem@namal.edu.pk
Cell:+92-333-9837588
My faith, my belief, my saintly point of view, the sanctity of my creed, my fervor in performing my religious duties avoiding human beings and humanity altogether are enough to give me the ticket to be placed on the highest pedestal and earn me the right of being the rightful candidate for the boundless pleasures of Heaven. Isn’t it? You may agree and you may not, but I don’t care a fig, because I don’t have even a meager sense of doubt in entertaining this notion. My instinct has nodded to my conviction because who else can have this confidence?
Having such claims and notions, I totally forgot if we fling mud upon others and considering ourselves very sacred, look upon others disdainfully and vociferously discredit them by concluding that they are wrong because their sects, creeds and faiths are faulty and they are meant to be the fuel of the hell, we should revisit our own faiths and belief because we have been derailed and inferno waits for us very keenly.
To tell you the truth, creed, belief and faith are not my concern at the moment. My biggest concerns are the whispers and I implore you all, for Heaven’s sake, help me in getting rid of those whispers. I call them nerve-shattering, spine-chilling and blood-curdling whispers, which make me feel that I have devil inside me.
Alas! These whispers have dragged me to the verge of madness. I am not jealous. Believe me, I am not jealous. I care for others. I love others. I respect them. I am always caught away with my private heaven when my near and dear ones achieve something mind-blowing. My happiness knows no bounds when my friends and colleagues are honored and rewarded. Believe me I am a sincere fellow. I am a loving human being. I am a caring one. I am polite and courteous. People love me. They respect me.
But the whispers told me something else, “Listen to me, you the hypocrite, selfish, jealous, wicked, self-centered and egomaniac brute. You are a devil incarnate. You claim you love others, no, you hate others. You believe that the achievements of others give you pleasure. No, you become gloom-stricken by the achievements of all others. You need proofs? I have dozens of them.”
The threatening shouts of my conscience truly disturbed me. I implored, “Please don’t doubt my sincerity, faithfulness, selflessness, love and respect for others. I’ll go the way the all flesh, losing sanity and purpose of living.”
“Oh My God, you are a stubborn jerk. You know, you are not what you pose to be. But your inner pride won’t let you admit it. Now I am going to hold mirror to you. You will see the devil in the mirror.”
The reckless voice of conscience went on:“Do you remember the night when your crony rang you at night and broke the news weeping bitterly that his factory was burnt to ashes and you showed your grief very vehemently and promised to be on his side at that time of trial and trepidation. Immediately after hanging up you felt a sense of elation. A strange satisfaction and comforting emotions made you raise a rare smile on your face.”
These comments from my conscience made the flurry of such hellish sentiments broke all the barriers and I was driven away helplessly and I could easily recall whatever I had done previously.
Once, a colleague of mine called at my office. He was looking uncharacteristically untidy, forlorn and aggrieved.
“Why are you looking so down buddy?”
“My mother-in-law died last week.”
“Oh, it is very sad. May her soul rest in eternal peace! She was a very nice lady.”
But wait a minute. Soon after his departure, I heard a whisper inside me.
“It’s good that cross lady is no more. What about my friend? He never condoled to me. He never joined me in celebrations. Now, if he is feeling upset, let him feel so. The hell with him and the peevish and ominous old lady who used to behave arrogantly and indifferently to me.”
Once, I had a very close chum of mine. I was sailing under the misconception that he was jealous of me. He was not as successful as I used to be. That’s why he was a victim of a green-eyed monster. For me, he was a toad-eater who tried to get his work done through sycophancy. He was in the good books of administration all because of his over-officiousness. His courtesy and humbleness earned him the care and concern of others. He used punctuality and regularity as a trick. One day he came to me and was deeply engrossed and over-occupied and he said,
“I am jinxed by the darling of my heart. She threw my engagement ring to my face and opted for a millionaire kicking me out of her life.”
“Oh, it’s quite shocking! Very sad, how could she leave you? You are sincere, loving and caring. You are the deserving one. How could she?”
OMG! The devilish whisper disclosed something else. Actually, I was not sad. I found mirth all around. I was dancing on the air and had the feelings:
“Finally, she left you, you geek. Actually, you didn’t deserve her. She is enchantingly mesmerizing and you are a soft-headed nut.”
Another bosom friend of mine was struggling very hard to get a suitable job. My friend was very competent. He ever helped me in solving different queries of mine. His competence could never be called into question. Once I received a call from him and he was sounding overjoyed.
“Hey buddy, I have got a very lucrative job in a multinational company. I am offered a very handsome salary, flat and a car.”
“Really! It’s fantastic News! You really deserve it, my friend. I am truly happy for you. Many, many congrats!
But wait a minute. Someone was whispering inside me. I concentrated keenly and heard:
“How could he get this spectacular job? I am the man who deserved it. He reached his destination and I am lagging behind. I am wandering from pillar to post and, now, he will enjoy the luxuries of life. I can’t believe it. I can’t tolerate it. I am upset.”
Cricket used to be my passion. I, along with the other opening batsman, worked wonders and we got accolades from far and wide. Before a very important match, I called on my coach and asked him what were his predictions about the next day’s crunch game and he replied, “There is a piece of bad news, man. The other opening batsman who has ever performed really well along with you met an accident in the morning and broke his shin bone. Now he is out for a week.”
“Really? It’s quite disturbing. He is one of the best opening batsmen I have ever seen. I am feeling really dejected.”
Then I peeped inside me and brought my complete focus to the inner whispers. As I expected, I listened to something quite contrary to what I had just uttered.
“It’s quite comforting. He always got the spotlight despite the fact I always performed better. Now, the focus will shift to me. Would that his injuries were much serious and he might be away forever.”
Suddenly I heard a chuckle which brought me back from the realm of my meditation. My conscience was laughing having only one question.
“What do you say, now?”
“Please forgive me. I’ll try to be sincere to everyone. I am ashamed of what I feel about others. I am feeling small. How could I be so selfish? I want to get rid of these whispers. Oh God, forgive me. Forgive me. I have the devil inside me. Help me in getting rid of these disturbing whispers. I am exposed. I am badly exposed.”
How can I claim to be a rightful candidate for Paradise when others’ afflictions, torments, miseries, agonies and hardships please me and others’ achievements, attainments, victory, success drag me to the state of despondency and grief? A jealous soul is impatiently awaited by the flames of the inferno. My whispers told me that I have a devil inside me.
